Was Jesus Christ From Outer Space?

Besides the insistent ramblings of Ancient Aliens regular Giorgio A. Tsoukalos about the extraterrestrial origins of Ancient Greek and Roman theology, is there credence that Jesus of Nazareth is an extraterrestrial? 

By:Ringo Bones

Ancient Aliens regular Giorgio A . Tsoukalos insistent ramblings about the “extraterrestrial origins” of Ancient Greek and Roman belief systems could probably fill a 30-volume encyclopedia sized series of books – or even more – is there any credence to the implication that Jesus Christ of Nazareth came from outer space? After all, a comedy skit on the first season Christmas / Holiday episode of That 70s Show "implying" that Jesus Christ had extraterrestrial origins seems a tad believable like that of the “ancient astronaut theories” of Erich von Däniken, but is it all just “liberal intellectual hogwash”? 

Though it is quite strange that leading proponents of the “Ancient Astronaut Theory” often imply that Ancient Greek, Roman and other pre-Abrahamic belief systems in the Persian Gulf region probably has extraterrestrial origins as they are “probably” bequeathed to us by extraterrestrial beings with technological ability of interstellar travel, they only imply in the vaguest of terms that Jesus of Nazareth is a product of extraterrestrial in-vitro fertilization on some reasonably attractive 14-year-old Palestinian girl 2,000 years ago. But the argument provided by Ancient Astronaut Theorists seems more plausible – as it seems – from writings left by Abrahamic prophets probably strung out on cannabis centuries ago. Well, imagine if Tsoukalos started to blame aliens / extraterrestrials for the recent "priestly paedophilia" of Catholic priest, would that particular Ancient Aliens episode be titled "Anal Probe: Anal Sex?" 

Is Everyone In America Dreaming Of A White Anglo Saxon Santa Claus?

It may be Fox News’ agenda du jour this Yuletide Season, but does everyone in the United States currently dreaming of a white Anglo Saxon Santa Claus? 

By: Ringo Bones 

Maybe Fox News’ Megyn Kelly has been pissed off since seeing that African American Santa Claus in that 1987 music video Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC, but does Megyn Kelly really have an erudite case for keeping the traditional Santa Claus a white Anglo Saxon (and preferably a Protestant) one? Sadly, history as we know it is not on Megyn Kelly’s side. 

Back in the darkest days of the American Civil War, the Commander-in-Chief of the American Union Forces – as in the then US President Abraham Lincoln – literally drafted Santa Claus via a famed Harper’s Weekly political cartoonist named Thomas Nast as a morale booster for the Union troops back in 1863. Given that President Lincoln also “emancipated” slaves of black African descent - shouldn’t African Americans also deserve the privilege to play the part of the traditional Santa Claus during the Yuletide Season? 

And what about the Klingon Santa Claus - Or the openly gay Santa Claus that’s born out of the increasingly politically correct decade of the 1990s? What does Fox News’ Megyn Kelly think about them? Maybe it is about as improbably as her white Anglo Saxon Protestant American Jesus Christ that she prays to. 

Child Advocates’ Beef Over Santa Claus Military Jet Escort: Groundless?

Maybe it is their ignorance of the actual origins of Santa Claus but are the child advocates’ beef over military jets escorting Santa Claus’ reindeer on the latest NORAD tracking animation groundless?

By: Ringo Bones 

It may be just a coincidence that the present incarnation of Santa Claus makes him appear to be a version of Ibn Battuta with supernatural powers but in actuality, Santa has military origins and had began life as a morale booster for the then US President Abraham Lincoln’s Union troops at the height of the American Civil War. Political cartoonist Thomas Nast was originally commissioned by Lincoln to create a cartoon that could boost the morale of the Union soldiers caught in the quagmire of the frontlines of the American Civil War. 

Given that for all intents and purposes Santa Claus is an American Civil War veteran – the only one left in fact that’s still doing goodwill missions on an annual basis, a military jet escort is just par of the course. A NORAD spokesperson said in a press conference that the military jet escort on this year’s Santa Claus circumpolar tracking animation was meant to give it an “operational feel”, it seems that child advocate groups appalled by the over-militarization of Santa Claus might be clueless on the American Civil War origins of Santa Claus. And before NORAD’s Cheyenne Mountain complex was even built, the United States Air force were probably escorting Santa’s reindeer sleigh with F-86 Sabers during the mid 1950s – back when the Saber was the most advanced military jet in the USAF arsenal. By the way, NORAD had been tracking Santa Claus during the past 59 years.

Santa Phobia: An Endemic Problem During the Yuletide Season?

It’s Christmastime once again, but have you ever noticed why some toddlers are inexplicably afraid of the mall Santa Claus?

By: Ringo Bones

If you haven’t witnessed kids under 7 years of age who are totally inexplicably afraid of Santa Claus – or his Yuletide Season shopping mall impersonator – you probably live in a place where celebrating the Western “capitalist commercialized” version of Christmas is outlawed. In my experience – I think it’s as frequent as 1 in 4 kids under 7 years of age are inexplicably afraid of Santa Claus - or someone dressed as the traditional Western/Christian Santa Claus – as in “Mall Santas”. Is there any logical explanation for this inexplicable childhood phobia?

Even though an overwhelming number of these kids tend to outgrow their “Santa Phobia” by age 8, it might have something to do with humanity’s innate “Freudian” defense mechanism to avoid “stranger-danger”. As in children are instinctually preprogrammed to view grown-up strangers – especially one with an overflowing white beard and dressed like a Central Asian Sufi Muslim cleric suddenly appearing during that time of the year where days get shorter and the mercury in the thermometer goes way down with a certain wariness.

But most parents view this explanation as “academic bunkum” because to them – they believe that Santa Claus is based on a Christian saint named Saint Nicholas who appears every Christmastime to remind everyone to be a little more generous with their gift-giving. Thus, most parents just keep on insisting to place their hysterically fearful kids into a mall Santa’s lap while they go shop for some item they don’t necessarily need. Although, if “Sana Phobia” persists even when the kids are at 12 years of age, it might be a sign of a far more serious neurosis and they may need professional help.

Was Santa Claus An American Civil War Veteran?

Even though mainstream historians had been very, very reluctant to mention this trivial factoid despite of the evidence, do you know that Santa Claus was an American Civil War veteran?

By: Ringo Bones

Despite of the overwhelming evidence of his service during the American Civil War, many tenured mainstream historians are still very, very reluctant to admit that Santa Claus served in the American Civil War in the Union side and is therefore a bona fide U.S. Civil War veteran. And believe-it-or-not, it is because of mid 19^th Century era political cartoonist by the name of Thomas Nast who got Santa Claus “drafted” into the Union Army.

Political cartoonist Thomas Nast, who is also famous for illustrating the donkey that became the “mascot” of the U.S. Democratic Party, first illustrated Santa Claus at the height of the American Civil War during Nast’s tenure as a full time staff artist for Harper's Weekly magazine. Santa Claus’ original raison d’être was a “recruiter” for the Union Army. Near the end of the American Civil War, then U.S. President Abraham Lincoln and supreme commander of the Union Army characterized Nast as the North’s “best recruiting agent” due to his Santa Claus illustrations on Harper's Weekly.

Even though at present Santa’s costume now consisted of a red coat and a red elfin cap with white fur trimmings, when Thomas Nast first illustrated Santa during the height of the American Civil War, Santa’s costume, though still consisted of a coat and an elfin cap, were back then sported a color scheme modeled after the Union flag. Even though Santa Claus served under the Union’s side, I find it quite surprising that former Confederate states in the United State’s “Deep South” never seem to have very public misgivings about Santa Claus every time the Yuletide Season comes around.

Buyers Remors And Monstrous Credit Card Bills: Over-Commercialized Christmas?

Buyers remorse maybe one thing, but dealing with monstrous credit card bills may be a sure sign that Christmas in the 21st Century is already over-commercialized?

By: Ringo Bones

So maybe you got very smart deals during the Black Friday shopping spree, after all you stood in line for almost 6 hours in a weather that only Soviet-era Young Octoberists would dare to endure. But did anyone notice - when 2012 secretly came - that we all had acquired a "dark passenger" in the name of buyer's remorse and monstrous credit card bills?

Christmas may had become over-commercialized since the end of World War II but its no excuse to shop for junk that we don't really need like there's no tomorrow. Capitalist consumerism didn't defeat the evil Soviet empire like Ronald Reagan have you believe. I'm just hoping that everyone has already found ways to pay off their monstrous credit card bills. Alleviating buyers remorse might be as easy as giving all your unwanted stuff to charity.

Global Warming Heating Up the Yuletide Season?

If its from Madison it is definitely the good kind of global warming.

Is Pop Culture Christmas Real Christmas?

Given that our pop culture driven TV and movie viewing had virtually ruled our lives for the past 60 years or so, is pop culture influenced Christmas still pass muster as real Christmas?


By: Ringo Bones


Maybe Family Guy’s Kiss Saves Santa might be too much for some people who still believe that a true-blue traditional Christmas involves celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and a Santa Claus that accepts Jesus as his Lord and Savior. But pop culture had also had given us something new that revolutionized everyone’s perception of Christmas – like the Yuletide staple titled It’s a Wonderful Life and the updated versions of Charles Dickens’ Yuletide morality tale called A Christmas Carol. And given pop culture’s ongoing influence on how we celebrate Christmas, it might only be a matter of time that traditional true-blue Christmas could become indistinguishable from its kitschy over-commercialized secular humanist equivalent.

When it comes to “redefining” our idea of what is Christmas, nothing compares to the quirky pop culture world of science fiction. Maybe after seeing the Starship Voyager being transformed into a Christmas Tree decoration by that omnipotent extraterrestrial being named Q, one would wonder if humanity still celebrates some semblance of a traditional Christmas in the 24th Century - or do we still need Klingon Santa Claus to register for next year's World Santa Claus Congress. Or what about that straight-to-video sci-fi Yuletide cult classic called Star Wars Christmas Special? Nothing turns traditional Christmas on its head like Chewbacca on a one-horse open sleigh, right?

In actuality, the official title of the Star Wars Christmas Special is “Star Wars Holiday Special”. It is a story about Life Day – a Christmas analog that is traditionally celebrated in Chewbacca’s home planet in George Lucas’ Star Wars universe. At least those who will can safely hope that a variant of the true-blue traditional Christmas is - or was – celebrated long ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Probably the weirdest manifestation of a pop culture influenced quasi-Christmas holiday is the celebration of Festivus. Festivus is the supposedly non-denominational holiday invented by George Costanza’s father, Frank Costanza (played by actor Jerry Stiller) that has since celebrated every 23rd of December by Seinfeld fans. Festivus centers around a ritual object called the Festivus Pole and the “feats of strength” with the holiday slogan “Festivus for the rest of us!”

In terms of weirdness and the degree of being far removed from the celebration of traditional Christmas, Festivus and the Star Wars Christmas Special are probably the two that takes the cake. Festivus could be seen as a critique of the runaway commercialization of Christmas celebration – a statement of protest in holiday form. While the Star Wars Christmas Special or the Star Wars Holiday Special could be seen by the uninitiated as a “pitiful” attempt to meld Christmas with Halloween. At least in a secularly commercialized Christmas – there is still importance placed upon gift-giving.