Santa Winter Games: Santa Claus Olympics?

Even though the sporting event is barely over a decade in existence, has the Santa Winter Games “improved” the image of the global Santa Claus Industry? 

By: Ringo Bones 

First started in 2003, the Santa Winter Games has more or less served to improve the “athletic” aspects of being the designated Santa Claus during the Holiday Season. As it has been seen as a “friendly athletic competition” between Santa Claus impersonators from all over the world, the Santa Winter Games has more or less served to improve the apparent “athleticism” of a Yuletide character originally envisioned by Thomas Nast to boost the morale of then U.S. President Abraham Lincoln’s Union troops during the American Civil War. But does the world need another “Santa Claus Convention”? 

Maybe it should have been called the World Santa Claus Olympics given that chimney climbing event has been seen by the event’s loyal spectators as the be-all-end-all of the Santa Winter Games. On the bright side, the past winners of the event had been an eclectic mix of every Santa Claus from all over the world. Recent winners include the 2010 Santa Winter Games champion Santa Camilo Romero Correa from Colombia. Not to mention 2011 winner, Sana Stefan Veronde from Holland and 2013 winner Santa Banana from Hong Kong who works as a professional magician during the rest of the year. 

The 2014 Santa Winter Games was held last November 22 in the mining town of Gällivare in the Swedish section of Lapland. The 2014 Santa Winter Games winner was a Japanese Santa Claus named Santa Yamashita, second place was Santa Sunny from Hong Kong and the third place winner was Santa Glenn Swift from Australia, while the people’s choice winner was Santa Jim from The People’s Republic of China. The Santa Winter Games has more-or-less added athletic meritocracy to the category on evaluating who is the world’s best Santa Claus impersonator. 

Did Jesus Christ Smoke Marijuana?

Though it is still a subject that Giorgio A. Tsoukalos and the rest of the Ancient Aliens probably still won’t tough even with a 10-foot pole, is there any credence to the “rumors” that Jesus of Nazareth's marijuana use?

By: Ringo Bones 

The implication that Jesus of Nazareth might have used marijuana probably started on that 1988 move The Last Temptation of Christ where John the Baptists’ “band of hippy followers” seem to appear to be strung out on marijuana – and don’t forget that since the years after Bob Marley’s June 7, 1980 Crystal Palace Water Contert, it seems that every self-styled Rastafarian “high-priest” who’s ever been to that iconic concert date had since made sacrosance that John the Baptist was one of the founding fathers of Rastafarianism and did indeed taught Jesus Christ to use marijuana besides the banks of the Jordan River in preparation of the “Baptism” of the iconic Nazarene over 2,000 years ago. 

Though the popularity of The Last Temptation of Christ was primarily due to iconic actor Robert De Niro turing down the role of Jesus Christ (a role that eventually went to Willem Dafoe) in which in an interview, De Niro jokingly said “Jesus didn’t speak with a Brooklyn accent”, it seems that this move is the primary “evidence” oft used to imply that Jesus Christ smoked marijuana. But is is the only oft used proof to lend the credence that Jesus of Nazareth used cannablis? Well, it does make for a very interesting World 440 celebration this 2014. 

Ever since the legalization of medical marijuana in some parts of the United States and some more liberal parts of the rest of the world, many “medical marijuana experts” cite as proof the healing effects of marijuana the apparent “miraculous” resurrection of Jesus Christ after the Crucifixion – not to mention the serious physical castigation under Pontius Pilate's and the top Jewish Pharisee’s orders done before the Crucifixion.  

Was Jesus Christ From Outer Space?

Besides the insistent ramblings of Ancient Aliens regular Giorgio A. Tsoukalos about the extraterrestrial origins of Ancient Greek and Roman theology, is there credence that Jesus of Nazareth is an extraterrestrial? 

By:Ringo Bones

Ancient Aliens regular Giorgio A . Tsoukalos insistent ramblings about the “extraterrestrial origins” of Ancient Greek and Roman belief systems could probably fill a 30-volume encyclopedia sized series of books – or even more – is there any credence to the implication that Jesus Christ of Nazareth came from outer space? After all, a comedy skit on the first season Christmas / Holiday episode of That 70s Show "implying" that Jesus Christ had extraterrestrial origins seems a tad believable like that of the “ancient astronaut theories” of Erich von Däniken, but is it all just “liberal intellectual hogwash”? 

Though it is quite strange that leading proponents of the “Ancient Astronaut Theory” often imply that Ancient Greek, Roman and other pre-Abrahamic belief systems in the Persian Gulf region probably has extraterrestrial origins as they are “probably” bequeathed to us by extraterrestrial beings with technological ability of interstellar travel, they only imply in the vaguest of terms that Jesus of Nazareth is a product of extraterrestrial in-vitro fertilization on some reasonably attractive 14-year-old Palestinian girl 2,000 years ago. But the argument provided by Ancient Astronaut Theorists seems more plausible – as it seems – from writings left by Abrahamic prophets probably strung out on cannabis centuries ago. Well, imagine if Tsoukalos started to blame aliens / extraterrestrials for the recent "priestly paedophilia" of Catholic priest, would that particular Ancient Aliens episode be titled "Anal Probe: Anal Sex?" 

Is Everyone In America Dreaming Of A White Anglo Saxon Santa Claus?

It may be Fox News’ agenda du jour this Yuletide Season, but does everyone in the United States currently dreaming of a white Anglo Saxon Santa Claus? 

By: Ringo Bones 

Maybe Fox News’ Megyn Kelly has been pissed off since seeing that African American Santa Claus in that 1987 music video Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC, but does Megyn Kelly really have an erudite case for keeping the traditional Santa Claus a white Anglo Saxon (and preferably a Protestant) one? Sadly, history as we know it is not on Megyn Kelly’s side. 

Back in the darkest days of the American Civil War, the Commander-in-Chief of the American Union Forces – as in the then US President Abraham Lincoln – literally drafted Santa Claus via a famed Harper’s Weekly political cartoonist named Thomas Nast as a morale booster for the Union troops back in 1863. Given that President Lincoln also “emancipated” slaves of black African descent - shouldn’t African Americans also deserve the privilege to play the part of the traditional Santa Claus during the Yuletide Season? 

And what about the Klingon Santa Claus - Or the openly gay Santa Claus that’s born out of the increasingly politically correct decade of the 1990s? What does Fox News’ Megyn Kelly think about them? Maybe it is about as improbably as her white Anglo Saxon Protestant American Jesus Christ that she prays to. 

Child Advocates’ Beef Over Santa Claus Military Jet Escort: Groundless?

Maybe it is their ignorance of the actual origins of Santa Claus but are the child advocates’ beef over military jets escorting Santa Claus’ reindeer on the latest NORAD tracking animation groundless?

By: Ringo Bones 

It may be just a coincidence that the present incarnation of Santa Claus makes him appear to be a version of Ibn Battuta with supernatural powers but in actuality, Santa has military origins and had began life as a morale booster for the then US President Abraham Lincoln’s Union troops at the height of the American Civil War. Political cartoonist Thomas Nast was originally commissioned by Lincoln to create a cartoon that could boost the morale of the Union soldiers caught in the quagmire of the frontlines of the American Civil War. 

Given that for all intents and purposes Santa Claus is an American Civil War veteran – the only one left in fact that’s still doing goodwill missions on an annual basis, a military jet escort is just par of the course. A NORAD spokesperson said in a press conference that the military jet escort on this year’s Santa Claus circumpolar tracking animation was meant to give it an “operational feel”, it seems that child advocate groups appalled by the over-militarization of Santa Claus might be clueless on the American Civil War origins of Santa Claus. And before NORAD’s Cheyenne Mountain complex was even built, the United States Air force were probably escorting Santa’s reindeer sleigh with F-86 Sabers during the mid 1950s – back when the Saber was the most advanced military jet in the USAF arsenal. By the way, NORAD had been tracking Santa Claus during the past 59 years.

Santa Phobia: An Endemic Problem During the Yuletide Season?

It’s Christmastime once again, but have you ever noticed why some toddlers are inexplicably afraid of the mall Santa Claus?

By: Ringo Bones

If you haven’t witnessed kids under 7 years of age who are totally inexplicably afraid of Santa Claus – or his Yuletide Season shopping mall impersonator – you probably live in a place where celebrating the Western “capitalist commercialized” version of Christmas is outlawed. In my experience – I think it’s as frequent as 1 in 4 kids under 7 years of age are inexplicably afraid of Santa Claus - or someone dressed as the traditional Western/Christian Santa Claus – as in “Mall Santas”. Is there any logical explanation for this inexplicable childhood phobia?

Even though an overwhelming number of these kids tend to outgrow their “Santa Phobia” by age 8, it might have something to do with humanity’s innate “Freudian” defense mechanism to avoid “stranger-danger”. As in children are instinctually preprogrammed to view grown-up strangers – especially one with an overflowing white beard and dressed like a Central Asian Sufi Muslim cleric suddenly appearing during that time of the year where days get shorter and the mercury in the thermometer goes way down with a certain wariness.

But most parents view this explanation as “academic bunkum” because to them – they believe that Santa Claus is based on a Christian saint named Saint Nicholas who appears every Christmastime to remind everyone to be a little more generous with their gift-giving. Thus, most parents just keep on insisting to place their hysterically fearful kids into a mall Santa’s lap while they go shop for some item they don’t necessarily need. Although, if “Sana Phobia” persists even when the kids are at 12 years of age, it might be a sign of a far more serious neurosis and they may need professional help.